Ask me anything this silly season – just don’t ask me what I’m doing for Christmas

Like good posture, there are plenty of tricks and tips to help maintain good conversation, especially at Christmas time

We are told it’s the most wonderful time of the year, but the holiday season can be a tricky time for conversations. As someone in the business of communication, I see the detritus of our short attention spans, reduced face-to-face engagement, rising levels of verbal abuse and a rampant plague of small talk.

I know exactly when the season begins because I start to get asked that question. Like a decoration lying in a box for eleven months, it comes out right after Halloween.

“What are you doing for Christmas?”

At a hair salon recently two employees asked me that question within 10 minutes of each other. It came up again at the podiatrist. And again, in a grocery store.

Customer-facing businesses encourage staff to make polite conversation. The trouble is, good conversation doesn’t come naturally. Nor does every customer want to be drawn into conversation. But ‘What are you doing for Christmas’ isn’t my idea of a good conversation starter.

It’s also not as innocent as that call-centre favourite ‘How’s your day been?’ ‘What are you doing for Christmas’ is best saved for a chat between friends or a conversation that’s already reached a warm and friendly stage. Who wants to share their plans with someone they don’t know? Who wants to disclose geographical complexities, estrangements, food disagreements, disappointments, the people we wish we weren’t going to see and the people we’d rather be with?

For me, the real issue is I end up answering far too truthfully and revealing more than I intend to. Then I hear my mum’s voice in my head reminding me not to broadcast that I’ll have an empty house on Christmas Day in case it becomes an invitation to intruders.

Christmas is a loaded time of the year. It’s often the only occasion we see certain people. Then there’s our ‘position’ within a family gathering, how well we know the others, who we like or dislike and, inevitably, who ends up dominating the conversation at the table and who ends up being left out, offended or upset.

To ease the burden, I decided to do some preparation to take the pressure off the upcoming festivities.

Here are some tips:

• Put some thought into who will attend the gathering and what topics/questions might come up. Anticipate difficult questions, particularly if you’ve had significant life events during the year. Think of a form of words or level of disclosure that you would be comfortable with.

• Multi-generational gatherings present challenges and opportunities. Pick a few topics suitable for the different age-groups. For example, don’t ask kids how school has been. Ask them what they are looking forward to. Play a game by asking them to tell you their news in a minute or less. Then recite their news back to them to prove you’ve been listening.

• Make a list of subjects you don’t want to discuss. Be honest if you don’t want to talk about them. “Here’s the short answer and I’m not taking further questions on that right now.” Or go the polite option and deflect. “I don’t feel like talking about that as it’s far from over, but did you know we bought a puppy?”

• Often, the best conversation starters are curious dives into someone’s passion or expertise although this can also backfire. Attempting to avoid the ‘What are you doing for Christmas’ question recently lead me into a conversation about amputation and diabetes where I quite possibly learned more than I will ever need to know.

• Nominate a moderator at the gathering. If there’s a relative who has a track record of embarrassing or humiliating people or someone who constantly interrupts or dominates, an intervention from a moderator can diffuse things.

Good hosting intentions

It’s surprising how much effort we put into the food and then expect everyone to come together and have a good time. Successful gatherings take more than delicious home cooking to make them memorable. If you are hosting, there’s no harm in outlining simple ground rules to keep the atmosphere festive. Here are a few suggestions:

• No discussion of politics

• Introduce newcomers around the table

• Set an intention for the gathering. For example, this is a Christmas to discover family stories or traditions, to remember people we lost during the year, or to take a decent group photo

• The toast should contain a memorable story

• Create a physical space where people can opt out from the gathering if they need to

Many of us don’t pay close attention to our conversations. We were taught how to interact as children. But like posture, conversation is something that needs constant tending and self-awareness. A little preparation could make a potentially stressful day a joyful one. Whatever you do, don’t ask me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

• Jane Hutcheon is a journalist and performer. She’s the author of Rebel Talk, the art of powerful conversations and former host of the ABC’s interview program One Plus One

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tbTEoKyaqpSerq96wqikaJuforqmutOiqp%2BqlZp8c3yRbGadnZNkf3N7wKyiZqWVYq6vxdOhoKefXam1qr%2BMrKClpKliwKat0qilZqKlqMFusM6nq2aZo6B6rrGMsJ%2BarF2eum6wzqKloGWWpL9ur8eroKysnZbA