JadeW

Follow your anger down to the source to see what you are really afraid of, says Annalisa Barbieri

I am really struggling with my parents-in-law. My feelings about them changed after the birth of our two children. I can no longer stand the sight or sound of them.

When our first child was born I was very ill, yet they stormed away from the hospital because of a perceived slight. The same thing happened after the birth of our second child last year. They didn’t speak to us for days because, they said, they had been sidelined. I was furious, as was my husband. He had it out with them and they apologised, only to complain six weeks later that we had not visited them. My husband stood up to them again and they all agreed to move on.

They talk incessantly about wanting to help us but there is always a reason why they can’t. I don’t expect their help. I would be happy for them to just come and enjoy their grandchildren, but I now think they must have had a view of how they would be as grandparents (always on hand, a central part of our family unit) and are struggling with the fact that it is not working out like that.

I wish I didn’t need to accommodate them in my life, although I accept that I have to, as they love my husband and children. In truth, I can’t stand them. My husband has the same view of their behaviour. He doesn’t give in to them, but doesn’t, understandably, want to discuss them negatively too much.

I don’t believe they are awful people but the sight and sound of them fills me with internal rage. Any advice?

It is really OK not to like your in-laws, especially if they do not seem to understand your needs. It’s important that you work out a way to have them in your life that doesn’t send you to a place of despair. I think you have hit the nail on the head in thinking they have a view of how things should be. The difficulty is that you and your husband have a different view of their place in your life. I think it is good that you have recognised this early on.

I consulted family psychotherapist Dr Reenee Singh (aft.org.uk) who works with people in similar situations. “It’s really common that relationships with in-laws get worse after a child is born,” she said. “Having a child can mean you have to renegotiate all relationships in the family because everyone has moved up a generation.”

In-laws who might not have interfered when you were a couple suddenly feel that they can get overinvolved when there is a baby. Everyone is jostling for position.

It is fantastic that you have your husband’s support. You both need to decide what is tolerable to you as a family and what is not. Do not set up patterns of behaviour now, to appease.

Tactically, it will help if you are in control of what you do, and when, with them. Family meetings are easy to avoid if you dread them, but that could make the other side push even more. Far better to put something in the diary that suits you – either you visit them so you decide when to leave; or arrange to meet somewhere neutral, say a weekend walk or a trip to the park. If something is already planned – even well ahead – it is harder for them to complain that they never see you. Also, you don’t always have to pick up the phone. It is OK to not always be available.

That rage you feel occurs when we haven’t worked through an issue with someone. It is worth following that emotion down to the root to see what you are really afraid of. It may be something that hasn’t happened yet: for example, you might worry that your in-laws will ring too often – that they will start to over-rely on you, and that you will feel suffocated. You might worry that your husband will take their side, isolating you. Irritation fuels imagination.

Dr Singh wanted you to remember, “You can have a relationship with your in-laws, and them with the children, without it being overly close. And you don’t have to be at every meeting as long as you allow the relationship [between your husband, the children and the in-laws] to develop.”

I wonder if you think that to be accepted by your in-laws you need to be accepting of everything they throw at you. You really don’t.

• Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

  Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7tbTEoKyaqpSerq96wqikaKSZm7KiusOsq7KklWR%2FcX6PaKGupl9mhnCvwKerZquklrulecyyZKKmXaGuuL%2BMq5ignV2pvLit0Z2qZqyYmro%3D